She stared at herself in the elevator mirror, plumping and preening her pouty lips and bleached out hair the entire 24-floor trip down to the lobby. It made me angry.
Vain people are so pathetic. What the hell is her problem? Seriously? I’m standing right here! Doesn’t she see how shallow that looks?
See that comment, there? That’s a limiting belief. It’s mine and it’s one I’m still working on. It might even be one you share with me. My limiting beliefs began when I was little—a kid whose worries and self-conscious obsessions would run rampant, well before I had a name for them, and before I realized that countless other people had been thinking and writing about them for years.
In 2013, that name started to take shape. I was sitting at the table on a Saturday afternoon as I listened to the 2013 commencement speech by writer George Saunders. Put simply, it was about kindness—kindness related to how we perceive our place in the universe and our relationship to the people around us. It was about how, as we grow, the belief that we are both central to the universe and separate from it starts to falls away—at least for some of us.
Mr. Saunders admitted to the crowd that his greatest regrets were what he called “failures of kindness”—moments when he could have done the simple, caring, thoughtful thing but failed to because, at the time, he still believed that his story was the only story that mattered.
As humans, we are each born with this same specific perspective. Our reality is the only one we experience and we can’t help but think (at least for a while) that we are the center of the universe. We grow up believing that our needs are more important than the needs of others. We believe that there’s “us” and then all this other separate, annoying stuff around us: traffic, coupons, meetings, weather, cat poop. We believe we are the center of the universe but the truth is that we are each an inconsequential lump of mass among 7 billion other lumps all stuck on a much bigger lump that is, in turn, one of the billions and billions of other lumps hurtling through space.
What struck me most during that speech—what started me down this path of inquiry and reflection—is the fact that we too easily and too often confuse our personal beliefs with universal truths. We believe that we are stuck in traffic and that our need to get to our 2 PM meeting (or wherever) is more important than the needs of all those other people around us trying to get to wherever they’re going. We believe that no one will take us seriously, or that our boss hates us, or that we’re not good enough, or that someone else is to blame for the stress we feel. We believe that people who preen themselves in a public mirror without a second thought are pathetic. We believe these things so strongly that we become blind to any other options or explanations—we allow our beliefs to masquerade as something they aren’t and that, my friends, is exactly what’s holding us back.
Later I learned that these were called limiting beliefs. Knowing this changed me.
Understanding Limiting Beliefs
You and I and George Saunders and everyone else all experience the world, our work, our relationships, and our lives through various lenses that are informed by our personal experiences, thoughts, and assumptions. They guide us and explain the world around us—they are the stories we tell ourselves to justify outcomes of situations and the memories of the past that inform the decisions we make today.
The beliefs we hold show up in many forms at different times and they are often such a central part of our thinking that we don’t even realize they are there. They can be pieces of advice we are attached to, versions of the past we interpret as fact, plans for the future that we fear or hope for, critical stories we use to define our identities and the identities of others, or things we need or want and are unable to let go of (e.g., the need to be right, wanting to be liked, an outcome we desire).
Some of these beliefs are helpful or at the very least benign: “Pineapple doesn’t belong on pizza.” “Deep Impact is far better than Armageddon.” “Everyone deserves a roof over their head.” Other people may not agree with us on these, but we won’t stress out or lose sleep over it.
However, other beliefs are more insidious. And without us even knowing they are there, they actually hold us back, cause us stress, and blind us from seeing the full picture in many situations every single day. These are called, rather appropriately, limiting beliefs and they affect how we think, how we act (and react), and how we feel about different things and different people. They define how we see the world around us and how we behave as a result.
When a project fails, when we get into an argument, when we struggle to come up with a solution to a problem, we get frustrated or depressed and we try to explain or justify the outcome to ourselves. The emotions we feel and the reactions we have in those moments are informed by our beliefs (whether they are conscious or unconscious): “It’s Jen’s fault we’re behind schedule.” “My boss hates me.” “I’m not good enough and shouldn’t have even bothered trying.” “Carly’s sloppy and doesn’t care about doing good work.” “No one takes me seriously around here.”
For many of us, such beliefs have been with us for a long time (or always). Many are based on stereotypes and are often echoed through our families, our workplaces, our social circles, and our cultures. Sometimes we have strong emotional responses to them. And many of us have lived our lives guided by these beliefs without stopping to consider whether or not they are true. Spoiler alert: it’s time to stop and consider.
The stress cycle
First off, don’t worry. We all have limiting beliefs. They’re a part of us all and that’s perfectly normal. In fact, they serve an important purpose. They—along with our fears, assumptions, and desires—serve to organize the world around us. They help us interpret the endless stimuli we experience throughout each day of our lives. Without them, we would be mentally and emotionally overwhelmed all day long.
However, we rarely call these beliefs into question. And so, over time, the things we believe to be true shape our perceptions and guide our actions and are thus perceived and experienced as true. (e.g., If I believe the world is unfair, I will likely experience an unfair world in my day to day life; if I believe my boss hates me, I will perceive and experience events that reinforce that belief.)
Examples of limiting beliefs:
“I don’t deserve this promotion, I haven’t been here long enough.”
“That new guy is definitely an affirmative action hire.”
“I’m so lucky that I got to lead that project, I haven’t earned it and I don’t deserve.”
“Only cutthroat, pushy companies ever end up being successful.”
“I can’t find a job because companies are only interested in younger candidates.”
Even the most professional, well-intentioned teams can be sidelined by the emotions, reactions, and results caused by limiting beliefs. The most well-designed meetings can be disrupted (or ruined) by one participant who believes something that isn’t true and allows that to affect their behaviour.
If you’re like me, you may not know how deeply your limiting beliefs affect you. Many of us (especially at first) may only consciously notice the emotions they cause or our reactions to them (or the results of our reactions). We may feel fear during a job interview because deep down, we believe we’re too old for the position. We may tense our shoulders and grimace when we get an email from Carly because we don’t think she deserves that job and so she shouldn’t be telling us what to do. We might be avoiding our boss because we think he hates us or someone might roll their eyes every time Jen asks a question that everyone else already knows the answer to.
These are the physical and emotional manifestations of our limiting beliefs. If we give them too much power, if we accept those beliefs unquestioningly, we will keep ending up at similar conclusions and those beliefs will quickly start to feel like unassailable truths. The stress cycle will continue over and over and over following us around through our entire lives and spread to other areas. “I can’t find a job because companies are only interested in younger candidates,” will become: “I can’t find a boyfriend because guys are only interested in younger women.” “Carly’s sloppy and doesn’t care about doing good work,” could just as easily become: “My girlfriend Carly is sloppy and doesn’t care about this relationship; it’ll never last.”
Example #1: The boss that hates you
You see your boss walking toward you (Reality). You think about how much he hates you (Belief) and the fear he’s coming to talk to you and get anxious about what he wants or what you did wrong (Emotions).
You shrink in your chair and try to avoid eye contact, your heart races and you clench your fingers on the mouse in your right hand (Reactions). He walks past but you dwell on those feelings of fear and worry about when he will walk back the other way (Results)—that’s probably when he’ll come talk to you about what you did wrong. He never comes back but it takes you 15 minutes to calm down and get back to work and with all the distraction you missed the start of your conference call (Results). The sheer amount of anxiety and fear you feel, the extent to which this is affecting you, must mean he hates you more than you originally thought (Belief).
Example #2: Sloppy Carly
You see Carly head home at 4:30 yet again (Reality). You tell yourself that she can’t possibly take this job seriously if she leaves early to pick up her kids (Belief) and you feel a combination of resentment and jealousy grow in the pit of your stomach (Emotions). You scoff and lean back in your chair shaking your head in frustration (Reaction). You close your laptop and decide to head to the kitchen to get a snack but you veer toward Jon’s desk so you can complain about Carly leaving early again (Reaction). Jon, however, sees you coming and recognizes your now familiar expression. He picks up his cell and starts texting in a subtle attempt avoid your forthcoming rant about Carly (Results). He’s caught onto the pattern and is tired of listening to you complain. But from your perspective, he’s not upset about your gossip—like you, he’s upset about Carly leaving early. Your feelings have been validated; Carly doesn’t take this job seriously and everyone knows it (Belief).
Defeatists and imposters
Limiting beliefs can also affect how we think about ourselves. They masquerade as excuses and defeat us before we even start simply because we let ourselves believe them (even when they sound unbelievable). They encourage us to quit before we even try (because we’re not good enough). They talk us out of going to the gym (because we’ll probably just quit after two weeks anyway). And they discourage us from trying new things (because no one will take us seriously, because we’ll fail, or because it isn’t worth our time).
These beliefs can be the seed of Imposter Syndrome: the inability to internalize success and accomplishments and the resulting self-doubt and recurring fear of being exposed as a fraud or an imposter. This phenomenon (which is more an experience resulting from situations and less a trait possessed by individuals) can result from beliefs about one’s abilities and performance that are so strong, they can’t be dislodged even in spite of external evidence proving one’s competence.
Studies have found that 70 percent of all people—even successful, high-performing people—feel like impostors at one time or another. While there is no standard definition of Imposter Syndrome or consensus as to treatment, various options are available to ease these feelings of incompetence. However, if such feelings are triggered by beliefs (“I didn’t work hard enough”) rather than facts (“The project was over budget and late”), practicing self-awareness and identifying those limiting beliefs can go a long way towards easing the constant stress of feeling like a fraud or a failure (or incompetent or anxious or insecure).
Identifying Limiting Beliefs
It took me a lifetime to recognize, but once I understood what limiting beliefs were, I learned how to identify them in myself fairly quickly by working backward through the stress cycle and inquiring about the specific situations and interactions that were causing me stress, anxiety, and conflict. Over time, I saw patterns (the stress cycle repeating itself) and other situations in which the same (or similar) limiting beliefs kept tripping me up. I’m not going to lie. It’s a tough process and it makes me face myself in ways I never imagined, but you know what? It’s undeniably worthwhile. It makes me a better human. Softer, more intuitive, less judgemental.
You can shred your limiting beliefs, too. All you need is the willingness to try, a little honesty, and some good questions.
Step 1: Practicing self-awareness
The first step is awareness. Learn how to recognize when and where you are feeling blocked or stressed. It may take a little practice, but if I can do it, so can you. Try to keep track of when and where those emotions surface.
Maybe you’re late for Krav Maga class. Maybe you’ve been asked to pitch to your firm’s biggest client. Maybe you’re anxious because the development team is two weeks behind schedule on three different projects. Maybe your boss is walking right toward you with an odd expression. Maybe you feel like someone is withholding important information from you. Perhaps the woman at the front of the only checkout line at the grocery store is paying for dinner with coupons while everyone else waits, tapping their toes and rolling their eyes. Strong emotional responses like these are often symptoms of our limiting beliefs.
Spend a week paying attention to those moments. Try not to get upset (or at least pause before you get upset) and think about whether this same thing has happened before. Look for similarities or patterns in the blocks or triggers you’re encountering: your boss, traffic, meetings, your boyfriend’s parents, Sloppy Carly.
Make a mental note, write them down if you want. Go ahead and be judgemental. If you think Carly’s being a bitch, hold onto that thought and consider when and why you feel that way. If traffic or the coupon lady is making you late for Krav Maga, lean into those moments of frustration and stress. These are the reactions and emotions we identified in the stress cycle above. The more familiar they become to you, the easier they will be to identify and unravel.
Step 2: Asking yourself some hard questions
Once you can recognize these moments when they happen—when, a week later, Carly shows up late to another meeting—the next step is to grab onto those feelings and dig down to find the belief that’s lurking underneath them.
We can do this by asking ourselves simple yet powerful questions like:
“What am I believing in this moment that makes me feel this way?” or “What thoughts or judgments or fears (or assumptions or desires) are guiding me in this (unhelpful) direction?”
Maybe you think to yourself: Carly was late to this meeting for a reason. Or maybe you feel that your time is more important than Carly’s. Maybe you believe Carly is unqualified for her position and that her meeting-disrupting behaviour is a symptom of this much bigger problem.
Yes, it can be super hard to catch ourselves in the moment and, while angry, step back and realize just how angry we are or why exactly we’re angry. That’s understandable. Like anything else, this process takes practice.
If it’s easier, we can also ask ourselves these questions retroactively after we’ve calmed down. Practice recalling particular instances of stress, anxiety, and conflict and craft questions that can help us uncover what we are or were thinking in those moments of stress. The goal is to take those feelings and emotions and work backward through the stress cycle to identify the beliefs that are triggering those emotions and reactions. Try to start your questions with “what” or “why” and be honest with yourself—we can’t hide from the truth just because it might be scary or uncomfortable.
When answering such questions, try to use short simple sentences. Look for answers that reflect clear and honest beliefs or assumptions. Highlight or underline statements that resonate with you the most, the ones that make you nod your head in silent agreement.
Don’t worry about sounding judgmental or biased; in fact, lean into answers that are judgemental—those are often a faster, more direct route to your limiting beliefs. (Limiting beliefs often include or manifest as assumptions about others or ourselves.) Don’t try to be wise or clever—try to be honest. Take deep breaths and let the answers you know to be true rise to the surface—try not to overthink it or censor yourself when answers float to the surface.
Go ahead and try it now. You’ve probably thought of an example or two while reading this—complaining is human nature. Don’t worry. I’ll wait. Get your judge face on.
See? This stuff gets real. Now think of a couple more. Be as judgemental as possible. You may not like the beliefs you uncover, but once you are aware of them, you can start inquiring about how they affect you and your relationships with the people around you.
Nice work! Look at the beliefs and assumptions you uncovered yourself (or the ones you stole from my list above). Notice how short and simple they are. Four or five little words, if they are accepted as objective truth, can have a profound impact on our behaviour, our projects, our careers, and our lives.
I know what you’re thinking: But what now?! How do we avoid those beliefs? How do we prevent them from blocking or stressing us out in the future?!
The trick is separating fact from fiction. Once we can recognize these beliefs as beliefs (rather than truths) we can more easily question them, ignore them, or seek out other, less restricting beliefs to guide you through life. All we need are a few more good, hard questions.
Let’s go back to my long-standing and not-made-up issues with people who stare in the mirror and preen. Do I know, without a doubt, that vain people are pathetic? Do I believe that fundamentally there is something wrong with them? I may think so. I may let myself believe that they are. But it’s not a fact. It’s a thing I tell myself, for whatever reason, that affects my response. It’s a belief I have refused to let go of.
Take the belief you identified and hold it in your head. Feel the emotions it triggers. They can well up in you like a too-hot bathtub. And then, over the next few minutes, or the next week—however long it takes—make a list of questions that challenge the belief that undermine it or work around it. Try to prove to yourself that it is a belief rather than a fact. Approach the belief from different perspectives.
Why do I believe that? Why do I keep believing that day after day? What would another person believe in the same situation? What would happen if I chose not to believe that? Why do I refuse to let go of that belief when it keeps upsetting me week after week after week?
Here are some powerful questions that you can borrow:
“What is stopping me from having this important conversation?”
“Why am I afraid to take this particular action in my work/life?”
“What do I think will happen if I do this/that/the other?”
“What outcomes seem at odds with what should/could have happened? Why?”
“What things in your work/life aren’t improving no matter what you try?”
And these are the types of answers that might arise:
“People won’t take me seriously.”
“I will get fired.”
“They won’t understand.”
“Nothing will change anyway.”
“They won’t listen.”
“I need to be in control.”
“It’s not worth the effort.”
“There is too much to do.”
“They should stop changing things.”
“I can’t leave.”
Another truth — a more important truth — is that you get to choose how to see the world. You get to decide how to interpret your surroundings and you get to choose what has meaning. Sadly, you’re not the center of the universe. But neither are you without awareness, agency, or the ability to ask some hard questions in order to sort the facts you can prove from the fictions you tell yourself because they are easy or familiar.
Choices
The underlying lesson that I took from that George Saunders speech was that the more obvious, more important realities are often the ones that are the hardest to see (and often the ones that are the hardest to talk about). Your boss could hate you. Or your boss could just think you’re the weird lady in the end cubicle who hates eye contact. The coupon lady could be making you late for Krav Maga. But she could also be stocking up on canned goods because the local food bank (where she volunteers on top of working three part-time jobs) is running dangerously low on supplies. I could list a dozen other hypothetical explanations and that’s my point: our story—our reality—is one of an infinite number of stories being written. “Us and them” may be our default setting as we grow up but it’s not the only setting available.
And sure, all those examples listed at the start could very well prove to be objectively true. It might be Jen’s fault that the project is behind schedule. You might not deserve that promotion. People might not take you seriously if you speak up. Chris should listen to you more. Someone very well might get fired the next time you screw up. Companies may only be interested in candidates that are much younger than you. And yeah, your boss may hate you.
But is that it? Is your story that simple? If those things are in fact true, are you sure they are the only truths? No. No. And no.
Another truth—a more important truth—is that you get to choose how to see the world. You get to decide how to interpret your surroundings and you get to choose what has meaning. Sadly, you’re not the center of the universe. But neither are you without awareness, agency, or the ability to ask some hard questions in order to sort the facts you can prove from the fictions you tell yourself because they are easy or familiar.
Identifying your limiting beliefs is not easy. It can be hard to accept the fact that we’ve been lying to ourselves. Being wrong or dishonest, even if you only have to admit it to yourself, is tough. This process I’ve tried to map out challenges you to look at your own assumptions and beliefs right in the face. It asks you to sit with them in discomfort and to question things you’ve believed for weeks, months, or years.
This is what the late David Foster Wallace famously called the “work of choosing” and it is some of the most important work that we can do as human beings. You can choose the status quo of stress, anxiety, and anger. Or you can choose awareness, understanding, and give yourself the gift of letting go.
It’s not you, it’s me
Here’s a real-life example of what that choice can look like. I once worked with a man who was struggling in his relationship with a new boss. This man felt that he couldn’t trust her and he kept taking on more work because of this belief. As a result, his projects were always behind, he was working longer hours, and was always stressed. I saw the symptoms of this (his emotions and reactions) asked if I could help him out. He agreed, eagerly. He was stuck in a painful cycle of missed deadlines, late hours, and stress. He wanted things to change.
He brought his laptop to the coffee shop where we met and he broke down his growing to-do list. But I didn’t offer take any of the work off his plate. That would have treated the symptom (his reactions), not the problem (his beliefs). Instead, I asked him why he was doing all these things. He had reasons and listed them off, but while justifying his actions, he hinted at a number of beliefs that seemed to be colouring all these decisions and interactions. So I decided to simply ask him some of the hard questions I had become familiar with to see what would happen.
“What’s stopping you from talking with your boss about what’s on your mind?”
I just don’t trust her to do a good job. I’ve been here longer. I can do it better.
“Is that true?”
Totally. She’s brand new. I know this work inside-out.
“You know that for a fact? That you can do it better?”
Well, I guess not. No. Not for sure. But this is our biggest client. A lot’s at stake.”
“What would happen if you let go of that belief?”
What do you mean?
“What if you knew that she could do the work better than you could?”
Well...I’d be a lot less stressed out for one. Maybe we’d be on schedule.
“What if she knew that? That she could do the work better than you?”
I’d look like an asshole.
“In the same situation, what would you believe if you were her?“
Well, that I can’t get anything done. I sure wouldn’t trust….me. Oh shit.
“What? What is it?”
She’s not the problem, is she?
His belief about his boss was so strong—he was so sure of its truth—that he was actually sabotaging the very project that he was trying to save. Within five minutes of sitting down together, he had a profound realization and reached a whole new level of self-awareness. No, it wasn’t pretty. He threw down a few f-bombs in the second half of our conversation but, he had identified one of the biggest, most stressful blocks in his life. Because of past experiences, the importance he placed on this work (and probably a whole bunch of other reasons) he was clinging desperately to a belief that was sabotaging his entire department. And with only a few sips of coffee, a half-dozen questions, and a willingness to change, he removed the one thing that was holding him back.
His belief about our his boss was so strong — he was so sure of its truth — that he was actually sabotaging the very project that he was trying to save.
Unblock
Here are some final questions before you dive back into your emails or go to your meeting or get back to whatever it was you were working on before you started reading this...
What if this thing you’re dismissing IS worth the effort? What if things COULD change? Maybe they WILL take you seriously. Maybe you DO know what to do and maybe you’ve known all along but DOING it seemed scary (and maybe now it seems, if not less scary, full of potential). What if Carly SHOULD have been late to that meeting? What if she IS qualified for her job and what if she could help me become better at mine if I weren’t so afraid of admitting my shortcomings to my own boss?
Yes, this article is just a starting place. And there are a number of other tools and processes that are also at your disposal—simple but powerful process of self-inquiry that can help you identify and unpack some of the beliefs and assumptions that are blocking you or causing you stress. We also focus on identifying limiting beliefs in the workplace as part of our Louder Than Ten Apprenticeship Program.
Make no mistake—uncovering and addressing our limiting beliefs can be hard work. It involves facing the lies we tell ourselves and admitting that they are lies. It involves addressing our fears and the things we don’t understand. It requires reflecting on the parts of ourselves that we may not like.
Here’s the thing, if you choose to take this path, it means that reality, as you experience it in the face of stress, anxiety, and conflict, offers you more options—more ways of thinking and being—than may otherwise seem available in those moments (or have seemed available in the past). It means you can choose to see and think about things differently. It gives you access to all of the different possible ways to think about the situations and people that cause you stress. It gives you the chance to rewrite your story and shift your understanding of what’s possible. It means you can start to let go of the things that are holding you back and it empowers you to bring more kindness into the world—one question at a time.
Riding up the elevator yesterday, guess who stood leaning against the glass? That same blond hair, pouty-lipped beauty. I held my breath for five floors, held the anger for five more, and started this process one question at a time. When I hit floor 19, it dawned on me: It’s not that vain people are pathetic. It’s that somewhere along the line, I learned a belief that self-love was narcissism and that you’d better look like you hate yourself on the outside or the whole world will hate you instead. By floor 22 I realized that I deny myself permission to look at myself in front of others in case I get judged. When the door slid open at 24, and I walked out, it dawned on me that I check myself in private and deflect focus to others in public. I like to be noticed but remain invisible. I wondered to myself if she struggles with this conflict, too, but maybe has a different way of processing it.
Tomorrow, when I see her, maybe—just maybe—I’ll tell her I like her lipstick. I’m not quite there yet, but that’s what this ride is about.
